Weekend - Great friends. Stupid men and stupid family!

Well, well, well. I had the weekend from hell.

And it all started with me meeting up with my ex (that I mentioned in my previous post) and some other people. We all had a great time, laughter and friendliness. I'd rate it a definite 9.
Then me and the ex kissed, went home and one thing led to another.
It wasn't that late and not out of complete drunk ness, but well... Things were good, up until the morning after when he reveals that "Good... I have a girlfriend". And that's when things took a turn for the worse. I've been trough this before and I don't want anything to do with cheaters. I just want them to leave me alone.

However this time around things got more complicated - I know and I like this guy. 
It's the morning after and he gets all angst up.  
- Do you think I'm stupid. 
- Yes and you are, don't you think so? 
- Yes. 
But still I was kind of nice and patient with all that. He left after couple of hours and that's when all the confussion, sadness and anger sat in. Thinking we had something nice and then he made me into a 'mistake'. I texted him later on and told him that: "It's not a very nice feeling to be some ones mistake."
A part of that feeling has to do with me having worked a lot on not having pointless sex with people. So I've been very reclusive the last couple of years as a part of working on my self worth. So when I finally feel ok and as if I'm doing it for the right reasons and it's still wrong, I feel sad.

10-point friend

I spent most of the weekend thinking back and forth about this. Wrote down stuff, talked to friends I trust. And finally I came to these conclusions:

1. I like him. 
2. I like myself more 
3. This can not happen again - and had I known that he was with her I never would have done it. But he didn't give me that option. 
4. I only spend time with people who makes me happy and respect me. I'm really into feeling good, not bad.
4. I'm not interested in him feeling bad or punishing him, either.
5. I needed to sort it out.
 



I'll get back to this later on, but first, Tada... enters my family [place for dark and moody music].

Father calls and invites me for dinner with granny.
The whole family thing is complicated (as everyone knows with their own families). So to make a very, very long story short; during that dinner I realised that my parents would sell me for 1 million if they could (this is a metaphor over my parents sellfishness). Due to something granny said and that's when a BIG pink elephant entered the room.
Afterwards I went home, cried for two straight hours.


Pink elephant

 Yesterday my father called on mothers part saying she wanted to talk to me about 'something'. My guess is that she wanted to appologize. I declined.
I'd rate my family with a 2 (= since my cousin is like a sister to me and i love her, otherwise they're all f**ked up.)
Instead I talked to another friend and this morning I got this great text from him.
 
"You are the most valiant person I know. Do what you do and things will be fine."
That was a 10-point text.

So two really bad things over two days. In the end I decided to try to talk to the ex, so I texted him yesterday morning and he called me right back. Slightly defensive: "Gosh, I don't know what happened!?" but also really sad - he told me that he didn't want me to feel like a mistake and knowing that I felt sad made things so much worse.
- Now I've hurt two people... *sigh* 
- Well, you've hurt yourself too... I said.
I feel like I understand this from quite a few perspectives. Back in the day I told him about once when I cheated and how it completely broke me down. I was very hard on myself. And he told me about the time when someone cheated on him and how that made him feel.

Before the conversation I had decided on what I wanted to say (see the list above). And regarding no 4 I decided to approach it as objective friend-like as I possibly could: People aren't unfaithful when everything's alright. I adviced him not to stick his head in the sand. Cheating is a way of bringing smelly rats out in the open. - By that... I told him, I'm not saying that you necessarily have to tell her about it. But I think that you have to do something. He agreed.

And then it's me. I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to see him again or what. After our conversation, or rather in the middle of it I decided to let things just rest for now. Somehow it feels better than telling him to go f**k himself.




As far as weekend goes this was a really bad one. But I've had worse. At some point I felt really adolesent too, Like OMG, I'm not 20, why is this happening?!
But I feel better now and when it comes to the way I've dealt with this I'd give myself a 6. However it deeply effected my tasking over the weekend, and I missed out on most composers. I really wasn't in the mood for classical music.

Now a new week has begun and I love rating stuff as it is. It's basically what I do.

Week 2: Classical Composers Week Beethoven & Lizst

During this weeks tasking I've developed a system of preparing tomorrows playlist the night before, but yesterday I was too tired. So this morning I went back to the monthly playlist I use. A slight misshap (that I thourgholy enjoyed).
I cheated on Lizst with theses songs:


Aretha Franklin – You're All I Need To Get By - Take 2
Neneh Cherry – Manchild
Robyn – Don't Fucking Tell Me What to Do
Lady Gaga – Yoü and I
Jimmy Soul – If You Wanna Be Happy
Rufus – Maybe Your Baby
fun. – We Are Young - feat. Janelle Monáe
Talking Heads – This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody) (live)
Annette Hanshaw – Walkin' My Baby Back Home
Lady Linn And Her Magnificent Seven – I Don't Wanna Dance
Gossip – Perfect World
Gorillaz – Stylo (Album Version) [Feat. Mos Def and Bobby Womack]
Jon Kennedy – Pick Up Sticks
The Brand New Heavies – I Don't Know Why I Love You - A Tom Moulton Mix
Željko Joksimović – Lane Moje
Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts


Talking Heads "This must be the place" gave me a lot of pleasure, mostly 'cause I fell in love with the song again after seeing the movie with the same name. This is the scene (don't worry, it's music only):

Yesterday I also bought a Wii. I used to borrow my parents before they took it back and used it for working out (with "My Fitness Coach - Cardio Workout" - it's like boxersize) and playing "Endless Ocean 2". That's what I plan to do this time around again.

I also emptied my desk and am now reday to sell it.



Hello empty desk.



And I texted with my ex-boyfriend, he's in town. We plan to meet up on friday, which is strange because I haven't spoken in 2 years. We've only messaged eachother from time to time, very random and on facebook. I can't figure out if it's we're re flirting or if it's one of those things when enought time has gone by so we're now able to meet up again. I thought about this before going to sleep.

Anyway, from now on it's me and Franzy, which will be interesting. Of all of this weeks composers he's the most unfamiliar to me.

Week 2: Classical Composers Week Bach

I had a bad feeling about this day, seeing as everyone else was painting up Bach supposedly made very depressing music. And this morning as i plugged myself into my music machine and headed of for work with "Goldberg Variations: Aria" in my ears I thought to myself "This is gonna be a really long day...". And then the song ended and the following four songs made me change my mind.

Bach is not that depressing just because "Air on a G string" is. Bach is mostly just airy and he makes me think of angels and birds in the sky. Stuff I enjoy thinking about.

I remember Miles Davis once said about Prince that "He uses space real well." I'd say that the same goes for mr Bach, plus he's very nuanced in his usage of that space.

Angel and a bird.

Thus far into the week I'm growing slightly tired of classical music. Oh... how I long for this (no, I didn't listen to it):

BUT, the best is yet to come from this week, tomorrow it's Beethoven who's used to be my favourite, and he might still be... even though I throw long gazes towards both Tchaikovsky and Vivaldi. "Hello boys!"

Week 2: Classical Composers Week Mozart!

After yesterdays wake of death with Chopin, Mozart was really uplifting and fluffy. I even went to explore the outside world. I took my bike and went to the store.
Mozart is great shopping music. I bought pytt i panna, tomato soup and deodorant. If I had had more money i would've bought hair dye, but I didn't. Wednesday equals pay day, equals celebration, but no Mozart. :(

And speaking of Mozart. Isn't "Amadeus" a great movie? If you haven't seen it. There's no day like today.

I'll head back to work tomorrow. I feel a whole lot better. I'll even get back to my big housecleaning! In which I will empty my desk, sell it and then rearrange my entire furniture.
My goal is to be able to invite some one over for dinner and feel proud of my nice little crib. So far I've emptied every drawer put everything on top and now I'm deciding what to keep and what to throw away. Here's a picture of my mess:

 

Mozart is great housecleaning music. I feel like Snow white. Where are my talking animal friends?

Week 2: Classical Composers Week

I will only listen the music of the following:

sun – chopin
mon – mozart
tues – bach
wed – beethoven
thurs – liszt
fri – handel
sat – tchaikovsky
sun – vivaldi

As a coincidental thing I had a pretty interesting conversation with a friend about Wagner, Nietzsche and Hitler yesterday. No extraordinary new insights, but it's and interesting topic. How misinterpreted are the former two, if any?

My friend had been to the opera and it was the first time he saw Wagner. I've never even been to the opera but I'd like to go and I plan to go, someday - otherwise my life won't be complete. I want to see "La Bohemé" since it's supposed to be the first and easiest door to opera and I don't want to complicate my life with detours.

Anyway: Today I'm enjoying Chopin though this playlist, (Best - Chopin) also I'm in bed - fighting off this cold and listening to Chopin only makes me feel worse - Chopin is the kind of music they use in films when A. Someone just died or B. Our silent movie hero is hanging from the pointers of a clock on a tall building, way up in the sky. Neither thought eases my mind.

Oh... and we're supposed to take a quiz too: http://www.quizfactor.com/quiz/classical-composers/87
I only got 6 correct answers but I'm better than that.
I'll re-take the quiz at the end of the week.

Life after Benrik

Work:
Decided what I wanted to do for a living.
Quit my job and went back to school.
Resection hit.
Couldn't find work after school.
Really hard times.
Now I've had 3 different jobs the last year and I'm slowly finding my way back to something normal.
This year I will have my first real (2,5 weeks of) vacation in 3 years and am very much looking forward to that.

Creativity:
I'm trying to get there again.
It's working.

Love:
Love life has been so-so, decided I couldn't get involved with someone so I've ended a few relationships on that account.
Had a few "friends with benefits" but they were more just benefits and in the end not even that. They just added emptiness and pressure.
Been leaning towards celibacy the last couple of years - but not really, just barely.
Would like to fall madly and happily in love.

Family:
Parents are alive, although my father just got a small nick of cancer. (However the doctors are hopeful, and so am I.)
My grandmother is nuts and my grandfather demented, but they're alive too.
My cousin is exploring herself.

Friends:
Most are settling down. Building nests. Like birds.
Others are not.
One friend is off to India to find himself. Free, like them birds.
So far he's found and grown a beard.

Animals:
My parents got themselves a dog.
I like her.
She's a Newfoundland dog.

That's about it.

What...

Does this look like?